Dear Employers of Young People
If you're offering an apprenticeship at a poxy £40 a week, please have the decency to send a one line email to tell your applicants if they haven't been successful. That's all it takes and, frankly, it's rude not to. Remember when you were starting out in your career? It's a tougher world out there now and all these kids want is a chance or at least an acknowledgment. Give them some hope that people are decent as they start out on life's journey.
Dear Old Age
You stink. You rob people of their friends and siblings and then sneak in and continue to rob those left behind of their vibrancy and will to live. Frankly, I want no part of you - I don't want to live a life of aching limbs and loneliness.
Sadly the above had to be crossed out and you needed to be upgraded to 'Stalker'. You haven't got a life at all, have you? And there I was with such high hopes for you. Try to enjoy your holiday in Thailand rather than focusing on me and my kitchen. Oh, and see my reply to you below.
Dear Mouse at the back of the radiator
I feel sorry for you trapped in there but what a bloody stupid place to go and hide! There's a nice, humane trap waiting for you with a huge chunk of stinky cheese - if you just find your way out to that, I promise you I will set you free. Your incessant scratching is driving me nuts and if you give birth in there I swear I'll call in the big guns.
Thanks for putting me through the mill these last few weeks. I don't think you realise that you are really only able to cope with one plot at a time - thank goodness you've finally settled on the right one. Also, I'd appreciate it if, when it's bedtime, you shut down and go to sleep. It's not the time to start telling me what should happen in Chapter Five or what the final line should be.
Dear Wandsworth Borough Council
You are a bunch of a*ses and you will not beat me. Do not put the wrong date on letters so that you can then tell me my mother is out of appeal time because I am on to you and you won't get away with it. If my mother wants sheltered housing for the elderly, I'll fight you all the way and you will not pull the wool over my eyes. Beware - I am like a dog with a bone if riled!
Why? Why would you do that to me? I have always loved you and one minor slip-up with some parma ham has made me wonder if you will ever pass my lips again. You made me suffer to the point where I Googled every symptom and discovered I could be dead within the week (!) Lesson learnt: melon + parma ham = bad combination for me.
NB: for those wondering why, the fat of the meat congeals and ferments the fruit. Not nice.
Dear Hole in Roof
Well, you picked your moment didn't you? Just as the heaviest rains of the year arrive was not ideal for us, really. We will beat you with buckets and towels and, if necessary, move ourselves one floor down. Your gaping cavity will eventually be fixed and we will make sure it hurts - no anaesthetic for you.
Dear Agents and Publishers
I'm ready for you - where are you? If you're looking for a hard working new writer with five books and a novella under her belt, and two new titles due out later this year, HERE I AM! Go on, make me an offer I can't refuse!
All done and, I have to say, that's really set me up for the day. Nothing like a good outburst to have you breathing a contented sigh, is there? Go on. Who would you like to write to and what would you say?
All my books can be found at Amazon UK here and .com here. Or in paperback at Lulu.